№1 - A Grieveance
Since I was sixteen, I have been reading English Young Adult books with a preference for the fantastic and dystopic. Having relished hundreds of different universes for soon a decade, I find myself with a lingering sense of ennui. Have the books finally told me what I needed to hear or am I simply searching for something different?
Currently, four fantasy books rest on my shelf unread. I started one of them a month ago, another a week ago. Read some pages without being able to connect to it, while the other pulled me in only to lose me the moment the plot calmed down. I notice elements I have loved in both books that do not excite me the same way anymore. Still, these are the books I buy - nearly as a habit, a nostalgic trait where I desperately wish to escape to the simpler and easier times I associate with reading them - and gravitate towards. They are familiar. Books that have seldom let me down. And now they do, a fog slowly obscuring the pages.
I wish growing out of something had gotten easier, but leaving benign places seldom is. I've stared at my bookshelf for many nights, watching the daylight set across their spines, wondering if the time had come for fiction to fill a smaller space in my life for a while. I don't think the solution is to clear them out in favor of non-fiction, philosophy, or spiritual works, but maybe a break is what I need? Or less pressure around reading and what I read? A step back so I can relearn to enjoy without deep criticism and the fear of enjoying something "problematic"?
If anything has changed with how I perceive what I read, it is my ability to be a critical thinker. To see the reflection of real-world issues in fictional works, to know these are not "just" scenes that I can read for entertainment. It is also a space where a hobby becomes something more. Deep grief, understanding, hardening of a slow-growing belief that the world is a cruel place ruled by subjective truths where there also can be a lot of joy and silence and calm that you deserve whenever you find it.
As a teen, I was absorbed by works that could reflect my own potential power. Strongly, attaching the quote below to the type of reader I was. This quote did not only influence my reading experience, but was one of the early bricks to building the beliefs I reside with today.
"The pages of a book are the doorway to meeting powerful people, and to realize I am powerful in my own right." ⋒
I loved theatrical displays of power, a swooning romance, and rebellions. As I turned twenty, something changed. Harsh existences brewing from immense pain were not as entertaining to read about. They were becoming "too real." Instead, I started craving gentle books. A warm hug, softness. I started acknowledging the beauty in simpler expressions and recognized those theatrics portray as one way to convey strength. For myself, I was now seeking something different which I recognized as evenly strong.
Perhaps, that is also why it is time to journey on new paths. To prioritize the simpler, ease, and gentleness in the works I wish to consume in my future. Why I have to inquire within myself in different ways to find the might I need at this place in my life.
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